Note from the author: The following is part of a satirical series, “Subscription-Based Faith,” which revels in particular and peculiar PNW (Pacific Northwest) stereotypes, consumerism, and social anxieties prevalent at the woefully maintained intersection of belief and culture. Nothing in this missive failure should be taken seriously without a heaping dose of ethically farmed rock salt.
The roadways of the glorious Pacific Northwest (PNW) lead to even more glorious vistas, peaks, beaches, and what appears to be an actual honest-to-goodness desert in both central Washington (WA) and central Oregon (OR).
But getting to those destinations inherently requires commuting. And commuting in the PNW sucks, except incidentally in central WA and central OR.
But persisting through the suckage is an intrinsic component of the Christian experience, no matter how bad the traffic is, and this guide will offer insight and advice to look on the bright side of commuting via walking, trains, and bikes.
For paid subscribers ONLY (see part 1 & and part 2 for more information on how to extract every ounce of silver from your congregation through paid subscriptions), there is bonus content, so just like every movie nowadays, you simply must stay until the end!
Now, order that Trenta cold brew, buckle up, and switch the dial to post-deconstruction contemporary Christian Music!
Stepping Right
The most basic commuting style in the good ol’ PNW is walking. Yes, like with your feet. And I suppose hips and toes, too. Maybe knees. But that’s about it.
But in Seattle walking can’t just be simply walking. It turns out there are a variety of walking, walking-like, and walking-inspired hobbies, activities, and ambulatory dating apps. Additionally, there are legions of different shoes for different speeds and gaits, and REI will surely sell you something very expensive for all of them.
What’s peculiar is that while there are many modes of the walking-commute (plodding, hiking, jogging, running, skipping, etc.), there are only three actual destinations where any Emerald City commuter is headed: Amazon, Microsoft, or a Starbucks. Similar, but on a smaller scale, Portland has only two termini: either the Moda Center or an overpriced food truck.
Where Seattle and Portland share common ground is the ground of the walkable variety. Ever-hilly Seattle and hipstery-Portland regularly inspire penitential sweating and agnostic chafing—especially for any bagpipe-playing, unicycle-riding Darth Vaders.
For how fiercely competitive they can be, Seattle and Portland actually have a lot in common besides hills: weed, coffee culture, music, foodies, college students, gentrification, a past teeming with unbridled and organized racism that mere decades of progressive activism can’t ironically whitewash.
Clearly having never heard of a “walkability score,” the founders of the Rain and Rose Cities, assuredly fiends all of them, apparently decided that everyone loves gaining an average of 146 feet of elevation between each brewery hop. (Yes, both cities love microbrews, too.)
But walking is a wonderful way to commune with nature and neighbor on a regular basis…when it’s nice out and there isn’t anyone gross around.
But what about when it’s damp, cold, and there are scores of the unhoused and mentally unwell between you and the Starbucks (…or Moda Center, or Amazon, or Microsoft, or that food truck with the awesome pork belly burritos…)?
Spiritual Hack
What better way to spend your time commuting by foot than gingerly stepping over the desperate and unhoused WHILE listening to a spiritually enriching podcast?
However, not all podcasts are suitable for numbing yourself to the dire humanity scattered about your Tevas.
You will want one with ambient music or at least frequent musical interludes, so you won’t have to hear anything sad in your vicinity.
Also, you will want episodes that inspire outrage or the intense need to dismantle some variety of societal inequity—dismantle, that is, in the near, or even better: far future. And nothing near your feet.
And remember: the best way to avoid any walking unpleasantness is to simply tuck your cross in your collar and cross the street while crossing yourself and cursing under your breath.
As for the damp and cold: dress in layers.
On the Rails
Ah, sweet, sweet metro. One of the many distinguishing differences between East and West Cascadia is the large swaths of tracks which bifurcate the west side of the mountains (with service now to Lynnwood!) and infuriates the east side of the mountains because they still have to pay for it, despite never getting to explore the many unknown hidden treasures of…Lynnwood.
It took Seattle 158 years to get a light rail. Even more progressive, even in its transit infrastructure, Stumptown only waited 135 years.
Trains offer the commuter so much:
An actual timetable. A smooth ride. Determinate entrances and exits. And! Row after row of passengers minding their own business. And by business, I mean their phones. The modern smartphone is the best way to ignore any and everything around you, especially other people and their gross, smelly problems.
Spiritual Hack
But your eyes are only part of it! You can still smell, touch, and hear others’ pain and misery, making the commute much longer and just that much more uncomfortable.
Obviously, high-quality Active Noise Canceling headphones or earbuds are a must. In fact, if you’re not wearing a set right now to minimize environmental noise pollution, YOU might be one of the “crazy” individuals the rest of us would rather avoid.
But then there’s the smell.
Happily, high-quality masks are readily available and relatively still in vogue (locale depending). Not strong enough? You can always add any essential oil or menthol-based product to the inside of your mask. Or, bathe yourself in aerosol body spray—this will undoubtedly make you popular on the train.
Of the standard deviation of the orifices everyone possesses, we have filled five. You may attend to the remaining ones at your, and your fellow passengers’, intense discretion.
Move Your Frock!
Consider the bikes: they do not sow discord through their unquenchable need for unsustainable fossil fuels; they, and those that ride them, reap the benefits of social superiority and massive calves; they have no parking spots (well, if you’re not in Tacoma) or garage, yet their wheels keep spinning. And how much more valuable are bikes than you? Which of you can add a single hour of charge to your Mac by worrying about your bike getting jacked in Seattle and sold in Portland? Instead, invest in a better lock.
Spiritual Hack
Riding a bike, or bike-like device, for commuting can bring you closer to nature and REALLY close to your neighbors and fellow commuters, especially when you breeze by without ringing a bell or giving any kind of notice. It’s best to keep them guessing, after all.
This unique closeness will significantly and assuredly benefit your talent for both the liberal dispensing of blessing and, of course, cursing between you and whomever has the dubious distinction of being in your path.
And, while pedaling, you are providing the necessary fuel for your heart, mind, and soul to ponder the state of faith, spirituality, and—
”WHAT THE *&%$ ARE YOU DOING? MOVE, DAMMIT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? MOVE YOUR STUPID LABRA-WIENER-DOODLE BEFORE I TURN HIM INTO GREASY @#$%^-&*$@#% ROADRASH!”
And always remember to look both ways.
Therefore, How Should We Commute?
I think we like to pretend that the world outside is simply wallpaper, something which is mere static and often frustrating: background noise to be avoided, sidestepped, and ignored. Granted, I think we can all be forgiven for feeling the world is just a bit much these days, but not every single day.
What is the true cost of actively disassociating with the world around us on a regular basis? Must we safeguard our commutes from actual emotion, feeling, or compassion?
How can we all be more present with the world we inhabit—not the one we have skillfully and meticulously curated via a rigidly adhered to routine of distraction—chemical, screen-based, or otherwise.
What’s the point of living in God’s glory if we refuse to participate in but a fraction? If we numb ourselves to the surrounding world? How are we to feel if daily we fear to feel?
Leveraging one’s commute is a wonderful time to read the Bible, commune with God’s creation (not just the creation that is pleasing to us), and to be neighbors, not just in our own neighborhood, but with Samaritans everywhere.
Next Week: We will demonstrate four effective judo throws to avoid any chatterers between you and the exit after service.
Bonus Content for Paid Subscribers ONLY: Single Occupancy Vehicles
No. Don’t commute via a car. Bad. Shame on you. You should feel bad for asking.
Spiritual Hack: Ride a dang bike.
Cover photo credit: Kwan Fung
